Uncle Curmudgeon’s: 10 Ways You’re Making Yourself Seem REAL OLD Online
Sure, a lot of my contemporaries are old enough to have grandkids by now (or grand-dogs, as the case may be). But why do so many of you seem SO OLD online? I’ve narrowed down ten of the more cringe-inducing things some of you are doing to make yourselves seem far, FAR more crotchety in your online interactions than you really are.
To make it as easily digestible as possible, I’ve formatted it like one of those stupid Buzzfeed articles people love for some reason.
So if you regularly do more than 1-2 of these (and if you care about not being relegated to the social media equivalent of that bad old folks’ home they showed on Sixty Minutes) you might want to reconsider:
10) Proclaiming your devotion to the music of your youth.
Sure, some of the new stuff might be crap, but guess what: a lot of the stuff from back in the day was crap, too, and we found a way to love it. Broaden those musical horizons, Mr. and Mrs. Hair Band.
9) Using OLD photos for your Facebook profile.
You’re not fooling anybody with that senior pic of yourself from back when you only had one chin and more than one hair.
8) Talking about how old you are.
Is this a way of fishing for compliments and reassurances? If so, it doesn’t work. Is it a way of embracing your inevitable geriatric decline? If so, it works WAY TOO WELL.
7) Posting easily debunked alarmist stories.
Snopes is a thing. If you don’t check it, it’s because you want the stories to be true (how else will you prove that the world’s going to hell since the whipper-snappers took over?)
6) Complaining about droopy drawers and skinny jeans.
Yeah, they’re stupid and inexplicable, but what about those parachute pants and sweater boots we rocked back in the day? Forgive the young doofuses their fads and maybe they’ll forgive us ours.
5) Posting recipes that aren’t recipes.
If you think throwing Oreos, Cool Whip and graham crackers in a blender and smearing it on a granola bar is “cooking”, this not something you should be publicly admitting.
4) Adorable pet videos that aren’t of your pet.
We’ll indulge you if it’s your animal, but if it’s just some random furball from the depths of the internet, trust me: we know how to find that crap on our own.
3) Posting your private messages to someone’s wall instead.
The bad news: everyone will see it. The good news: you’re probably just asking about that recipe for Oreo Cool Whip Granola bars.
2) Being offended by swearing online.
Yes, Millennials don’t really know how or when to swear. No, pointing it out won’t help.
1) Guilting people into sharing stuff. If you agree, repost this. I bet 98% of you won’t.