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President Learns HTML, Personally Undertakes Fix of Healthcare.gov

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President Learns HTML, Personally Undertakes Fix of Healthcare.gov

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White House Spokesman Jay Carney explaining presidential takeover of healthcare website, Oct 21, 2013

by Marshall Parris – Oct 21, 2013 5:45 AM EDT, WASHINGTON

White House spokesman James Carney today announced that repairs and redesign of the administration’s glitch-prone Obamacare website will be handled exclusively by President Obama himself.

In a press briefing Monday morning, Carney acknowledged reports of glitches in the administration’s $600 million healthcare website, now in its third week, including long waits, log-in errors, security breaches, and information routing errors.  “As with all large programs, at the outset, problems will occur,” said Carney.  “The president is well aware of this, and is taking swift action to manage and rectify the issues.”

When pressed for details, Carney explained that President Obama himself had personally undertaken the seemingly herculean task of fixing the problems in the nearly sixteen million lines of code that comprise healthcare.gov.  “He ordered some books this weekend.  They were expedited overnight, and he’s been hard at work ever since.  I honestly don’t think he made it to bed Saturday night.”

The books in question reportedly cover a broad range of highly technical web design and programming topics.

“The president has asked the original designers for all of their source files,” Carney added.  “Rest assured, the problems are being sorted and addressed even as we speak.”

According to published reports, thobama-computer-300x200e transfer of control of healthcare.gov took place on Sunday morning via armored courier.  “The amount of data was too large to send via email or FTP,” said a spokesperson for Relevent Media Group, the site’s lead designer.  “We’re talking literally millions of names, thousands of terabytes of personal information, insurance company records, everything.”  Dozens of high capacity hard drives were moved directly into the White House and connected to the Oval Office via Ethernet cable, although reports indicate that the president does most of his redesign work via laptop.

“He likes to be around people while he works,” Senate majority leader Harry Reid related during a press briefing after the official announcement.  “It’s a confidence builder for the rest of us, seeing him there in the senate cafeteria, coffee by his side, bent over the keyboard and just typing away.”

Carney corroborated Reid’s reports, admitting, “Like a lot of creative types, the president does his best coding in a busy environment.”

When asked how the president could manage such a monumental task as redesigning the nation’s healthcare website with seemingly no training and only a few books for reference, Carney was confident.  “He was very involved from its inception, meeting weekly with the designers and helping decide everything from the font to the color choices.  I mean, it has his name on it, after all,” referring to the Affordable Care Act’s common nickname, Obamacare.  “The American people know they’ve elected a leader when they see that he’s rolled up his sleeves and gone to work directly for them.”

When pressed on the subject, Carney explained that the president has, in fact, sought assistance on some of the more complicated aspects of the site redesign.  “Some elements of web design require more than a day or two of reading to master,” he admitted.  “Database programming, C scripting, management of millions of secure patient records, things like that.  The president has brought in help for the most complicated parts.”

According to sources, Obama has procured assistance from a nephew, Henry Robinson, whose WordPress themes and HTML skills earned him the post of lead editor of his high school website.

“Look for an all new and fully functional healthcare.gov within the week,” Carney assured reporters, adding, “if any of you know any good free shopping cart scripts, we’re open for suggestions.  After six hundred million taxpayer dollars, we’re looking to cut expenses wherever we can.”

It is unclear at press time if this was a joke or a serious request.

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