For the Narcissist Lover in You…

My Totally Real Conversation with the Supermodel Movie Star Government Agent

This all started a few days ago when I received a random message on FB from a suspiciously photogenic “woman”. It turned out to be one of the most exciting moments in my life. Observe.

    • Thursday
    • Katheryn Cole

      More about me I am single never married ,born in new york USA,and recently live in Manchester city Uk. I find very much peace and tranquility here…I`m 5`7″ 120 with a average build , mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honest, good listening, God Fearing, and a positive person.I am real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I love to play golf and I enjoy chillin` with my friend/family , I like going to the movies , or watching movies in my room , I like swiming , fishing, listening to music and dance to any kind of music, traveling , going bowling and also a good cook.I am a family oriented person and There is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself…..hope to read from you soon

    • George Norman Lippert

      What in the world took you to the UK? I’m slightly jealous. I’d love to visit there.

      Your Facebook page is curiously lacking in photos of you. Would be curious to see some more of you. It would go a long way toward assuring me you’re a real person. You know how it is online. Fake people are everywhere: one can never be too sure.

    • Katheryn Cole

    • Katheryn Cole

      Why would you be jealous of uk?I know how it is online but all we need is just trust nd honesty am sure we will be finE,will try and send some more photos to you now or if you can send your email then I will mail you on more photos there…

    • Friday
    • George Norman Lippert

      A quick word of advice– if you are going to pass yourself off using fake pictures, you might choose someone a little less public than Grace Francis. Duh. But good luck trolling.

      Unless… perhaps you ARE Grace Francis? OOOoohhh! You are, aren’t you? You’re in England, you’re a Harry Potter fan, but you are reluctant to identify yourself online because of your fame. Very shrewd! Am I right?

    • Katheryn Cole

      Smiles,what are you talking about,I just sent you a pic did you or did you not see it?

    • Friday
    • George Norman Lippert

      Oh, I totally saw it, you marvelous, crafty devil, you. I hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and call you Grace– I really can totally keep your secret! Still, how exciting for me to be interacting with someone who’s actually BEEN in a Harry Potter movie. I am pretty sure I remember seeing you onscreen. Was it amazing? Who am I kidding– of course it was.

      And silly me! That explains why you moved from New York (USA) to England! How exciting your life must be.

      So! I’m all a-twitter. What shall we talk about?

    • Friday
    • Katheryn Cole

      Do you have a yahoo accout so we can chat better and more conveniently than on here?

      [The next day, via instant message]

        • Kristin Faker (name assigned by me):‎ what are you upto?


      • Me:‎ Just learning more about you. Found some more info about the movies and stuff you’ve been in. So cool!
      • Kristin Faker: what is this?
      • Me:‎ You’re so sly I searched your images and found out who you really are! You’re one of the actresses in the last Harry Potter movies, like I’ve been saying! Your real name is Grace Francis. You don’t have to pretend to be anyone different with me. I won’t be weird about it or anything.
      • Kristin Faker: hmmmm ok baby
      • Me: Well wait a minute…
      • Kristin Faker: ok dear
      • Kristen Faker:‎ go ahead
      • Me: That IS you, right? You aren’t someone who just took a bunch of freely available pics of Grace Francis from webpages to try to pass yourself off as someone else, are you?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ what are you talking about?
      • Me:‎ …?
      • Kristin Faker: can you cope with the paparazzi of a celeb?
      • Me:‎ Oh, I can totally imagine how hard it must be for you. Really. I mean, I only have a few thousand readers worldwide and even I get tired of the attention sometimes. How do you handle it?
      • Kristin Faker: i am trying my best. ‎ where do you work?
      • Me: I work in Mordor, mostly. I bet your work takes you all over the world. Are you working on any films right now?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ yes…
      • Me:‎ I won’t beg you to tell any details. I’m sure that’s what you are here to avoid– why you went to the trouble to change your name online and stuff. I bet you weren’t prepared for me to figure out your secret! Heh. Don’t worry– I won’t tell anyone.
      • Kristin Faker: alright i love that
      • Kristen Faker:‎ where are you at the moment?
      • Me:‎ Like, what room? What state? What mental frame of mind?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ yes
      • Kristin Faker: do you want me with you?
      • Me:‎ That might be a little awkward. I’m sitting in the basement at my friend’s house. He and his mom are upstairs having a big argument. I’m on his computer. He thinks I am trying to order a pizza.
      • Me: DO YOU LIKE PIZZA???
      • Kristen Faker:‎ ok cool
      • Me: I should tell you a secret about me.
      • Kristin Faker: where are you now? usa or what?
      • Me:‎ I was in Mordor (USA) this morning. Now I’m up in Canada. Like, really, really far north. I go there sometimes just to get away from it all, you know? It’s so quiet here in Canada. Except for the big argument upstairs. I think they’re working out it, but boy was it ugly. They were arguing about his collection of troll dolls.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ oh ok thats true
      • Kristin Faker: i was in canada last month also
      • Me:‎ For a movie???
      • Kristen Faker:‎ do you wish to see me?
      • Me: Like, on webcam, RIGHT NOW?????
      • Kristin Faker: one on one.
      • Me: I bet you are good at being on cam, since you are in front of one most of the time.
      • Kristin Faker: i dont do cam online. i dont like it
      • Me:‎ Uh. Oh.
      • Me:‎ OK. Well. I suppose that…..
      • Me:‎ ……
      • Me: ….
      • Me: er….
      • Me: ………MAKES SENSE!
      • Kristin Faker: cool
      • Kristin Faker: how is it like over there?
      • Me: Well, the basement is flooded right now. It’s the rainy season in Canada. Was it rainy when you were here? The monsoons, you know. I bet that’s why you were filming here. I bet it was, like, a disaster movie or something.
      • Kristin Faker: yes
      • Me:‎ We can’t go into the backyard because of all the moose.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ am in london now ok
      • Me: Cool. Do they have moose in London?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ ok
      • Me: I should come there. Would you bring me there to see you?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ you wonna come to uk?
      • Me: I really, really, reeeeeaaaaallllllyyy, REALLY like you.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ can you afford an air ticket to uk?
      • Me: But I bet you hear that all the time.
      • Kristin Faker: tht you like me?>thanks
      • Me:‎ I can’t afford the ticket. I just spent my last few drachma on the pizza. Maybe I could borrow some money from you to get there! I mean, being a movie star and all, you’re, like, rich.
      • Me: Right?
      • Me: ….
      • Kristin Faker: really?‎ are you that broke?
      • Me:‎ Sorry. That probably makes you hate me and think less of me. I get it. I know how it is. You rich, gorgeous movie stars are always surrounded by great looking guys who drive really nice cars, like… Subarus and stuff. Right? I don’t blame you.
      • Me: DO YOU LIKE SUBARUS????
      • Kristin Faker: yah sure
      • Me: I actually have a great prospect for making a huge amount of money.
      • Me:‎ That’s the real reason I am here in Canada.
      • Me:‎ Two words:
      • Me: Ready?
      • Kristin Faker: i have to go now ok
      • Me:‎ Wait! I am totally kidding. I have loads of money. I was just testing you.‎ Can I tell you a secret about me and my money?
      • Kristin Faker: ook go on
      • Me: all right (deep sigh)
      • Kristin Faker: am a movie star and you know what that means. i have met a lot of people here online and in real life. talking you now should make you happy cos i dont come online often
      • Me: Oh, I totally know. I am THRILLED to be talking to you.
      • Me: Wait a minute…
      • Kristin Faker: ok
      • Kristen Faker:‎ be fast cos i have an audition in few hrs
      • Me: (the argument upstairs just got really quiet… shh…)
      • Me:‎ OK. Anyway. Who cares. They’re probably dead.
      • Me: Ignore them.
      • Me:‎ So I actually am here in Canada because of all my investments.
      • Kristin Faker: whAT INVESTMENTS?
      • Me: Did I tell you I was a businessman? I do venture business capital investing with consolidated amalgamated technical subsidiaries.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ how much are you worth?
      • Kristin Faker: yes you told me
      • Me:‎ I was just testing you earlier. Believe me, there are a lot of fakers out there looking just to get their hands on some of my money.
      • Me:‎ I’m glad you aren’t like that.‎ And why would you be? You’re already rich and famous.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ cool
      • Me: So would you like me to come see you today?
      • Kristin Faker: but i can still need your help here in the uk and you can send me some cash
      • Kristen Faker:‎ can you send me some cash to grace francis?
      • Me: Oh yes, sure. I was hoping you would ask. How much?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ i will have to pay you back
      • Kristen Faker:‎ 1000pounds
      • Me:‎ Pounds is how you measure the weight of moose in USA. And nah, don’t worry about paying me back. Would 50,000 rubles be enough?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ whats rubbles?
      • Me: Sorry, I’m thinking Canadian currency.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ send it now
      • Me: That equates to about 730,500 million dollars.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ then i can go cash it out
      • Me:‎ OK.
      • Kristin Faker: all i need is just 1000pounds
      • Me:‎ OK.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ do you have a western union around?
      • Me:‎ DO YOU LIKE RUBLES???
      • Kristen Faker:‎ where in canada are you?
      • Me:‎ I usually send money by courier. I have a whole fleet of them all over the world. For when I need to bribe authorities. You know how it is with international businessmen. Always having to deal with corrupt governments and the occasional supervillain.
      • Me: Hah hah.
      • Me: But really, not kidding. About the supervillains.
      • Me:‎ I can have one of my men come to you. Where are you?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ i need it urgently.‎ send it through western union now asap
      • Kristin Faker: am a celebrity i dont need to see your man ok
      • Me: Really?? OMG!! What’s going on!! Are you in trouble???
      • Kristin Faker: if you cant send it now then forget it
      • Kristen Faker:‎ i need it withing few minutes
      • Me: Are you being blackmailed? That’s it, isn’t it?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ i will pay you back with 1500pounds
      • Me: OK, I can have it to you in a few minutes. Seriously, where are you?
      • Me: Wait….
      • Kristen Faker:‎ yes something like that blackmail but i wont wanna telll you cos of the news
      • Kristin Faker: am in stoke on trent now
      • Me:‎ I’ll call you. Give me your number and my man will be there in a few minutes.
      • Me: He’s really big and scary, and he carries a gun, but its only for security.
      • Me: And shooting at bad guys. But you know that. You’re in the movies.
      • Kristin Faker: lol
      • Kristin Faker: forget then
      • Kristen Faker:‎ \ttyl
      • Me: I’M SERIOUS!!!
      • Kristen Faker:‎ my identity is confidenta=ial
      • Kristen Faker:‎ confidential
      • Me:‎ Wait a minute… I know what’s happening here…
      • Kristen Faker:‎ if you cant send it now we need to stop talking
      • Kristin Faker: i have a film premier soon
      • Me: you’re like the Gong Show guy who was an actor but was also a secret agent. Right???
      • Kristin Faker: what?
      • Me: I knew it.
      • Me:‎ OK, cool. How much did you need?
      • Me:‎ Can’t you get it from your government handlers
      • Me:‎ ??
      • Kristin Faker: i can only get it from you not them
      • Kristin Faker: 1000pounds
      • Kristin Faker: my government handlers must not know about this
      • Me: Oh, I understand COMPLETELY. OK, hold on, I’m handling this right now…
      • Kristin Faker: ok cool
      • Me:‎ Who should I make the check out to?
      • Me: Your movie studio?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ not a check
      • Me: I’m going to fax you a check in the mail.
      • Kristin Faker: western union \ i dont need a check]
      • Me:‎ But… I don’t understand.
      • Kristin Faker: \send it via westernunion or moneygram
      • Me:‎ You know that Western Union works for the bad guys… right? I mean, I’m just an international businessman and I know that.
      • Kristin Faker: its not for bad guys
      • Kristen Faker:‎ everybody use it
      • Me:‎ I’m beginning to think you aren’t a supermodel movie star secret agent after all…
      • Kristin Faker: and all the shows i have being in use it too
      • Kristen Faker:‎ ok can you send it to a llyods bank account here in uk?
      • Me: You know……..
      • Me: I could just have my guy get you a pair of nunchuks. You don’t have to be afraid of anyone if you have nunchuks.
      • Kristin Faker: hmmmmm
      • Me: eh?
      • Me: Eh?
      • Me: (smile)
      • Me: All right, I’m sending the nunchuks right now.
      • Me: What size do you need?
      • Me: Grace?
      • Kristin Faker: get serious here
      • Me:‎ I AM SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!
      • Kristen Faker:‎ \are you gonna send the funds or not?
      • Kristin Faker: i have tungs to do
      • Kristin Faker: things to do
      • Me:‎ You have NO IDEA HOW SERIOUS I AM.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ ok
      • Me:‎ DO YOU LIKE NUNCHUKS????????
      • Me:‎ You know how I made all my money?
      • Me: Do you really, REALLY, want to know?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ how?
      • Me: I tried to tell you before. Two words:
      • Kristin Faker: yes go ahead
      • Me: Ready?
      • Kristin Faker: yes!
      • Me: Moose futures.
      • Me: There’s no more serious business than that.
      • Me:‎ Hold on.
      • Me: OK, what bank?
      • Me: I own a bank you know.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ llyods tsb
      • Kristen Faker:‎ what bank do you own?
      • Me: Well…
      • Me: it’s a little shocking and I probably shouldn’t admit this online.
      • Kristin Faker: ok
      • Me:‎ are you sure this is a secure line?
      • Me: Are your government handlers listening in?
      • Me:‎ ????!!!
      • Kristen Faker:‎ yes they are
      • Me:‎ All right, good.
      • Me: The bank I own…..
      • Kristin Faker: is?
      • Me: it’s a sperm bank.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ then what happend?
      • Me:‎ Well, the sperm whales all got hunted down by the Japanese.
      • Me: thus, the moose futures. You know how it is.
      • Me: All right, anywhoo…
      • Me: If I send you money… do you think I could get your help to meet, like, Emma Watson?
      • Kristin Faker: yes you have my words
      • Me: I’m going to write down a number
      • Kristen Faker:‎ hey will you send the money now or not?
      • Me: I totally already did.
      • Me: It’s on the way. Totally. I’m surprised you don’t have it already.
      • Me:‎ I threw in a few extra million.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ you must be kidding me\
      • Me: I DON”T KID!!!!
      • Kristen Faker:‎ what do you take me for?
      • Me:‎ EVER!!!!
      • Me:‎ It’s the moose. If I kid, they haunt my dreams.
      • Me:‎ You have no idea what it’s like.
      • Kristin Faker: where did you send it?
      • Kristen Faker:‎ ok bye for now
      • Me: To your government handlers there in the UK. I thought it would be fastest.
      • Kristin Faker: i got to go and finish with my filiming
      • Me: Did they not get it yet?
      • Me: I sent it straight to the prime minister.
      • Me: cut out the middleman, you know.
      • Me:‎ that’s how I roll.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ ok not them. to me.
      • Me: But I already sent it. I can’t get it back.
      • Kristen Faker:‎ Unless what
      • Me: Can I borrow twenty bucks? I’ll pay you back thirty. Is there a Western Union near you?
      • Me: Grace?
      • Me: Is this goodbye?
      • Me: Dang. So close.

2 responses

  1. You sir, trolled a troll. I applaud you!

    May 18, 2013 at 7:24 pm

  2. Kelley

    You. Are. Hilarious!!! I love it that you strung her along for such a long time. Unreal.

    May 22, 2013 at 9:18 pm

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